Motherhood Is the Last Thing on My To-Do List

I met a woman last year, let’s call her Tumi.

I’ve never met another woman like her. She’s the kind of woman whose presence makes a room feel more alive. She’s beautiful, kind, and so smart. The kind of smart that intimidates you a bit, but also makes you want to do better.

She studied an extremely difficult course in university, was the best graduating student, aced her master’s, and even went on to get a PhD. Yet today, she runs a small Instagram business where she sells bags and accessories. I was so confused. This is a woman who could be a world-renowned speaker, the one flying across the world to share her ideas. It didn’t make sense.

We talked about this once. She told me about the time when big corporations were ready to pay her anything just to have her on board. They saw her brilliance and incredible potential, but then she got pregnant and had her first child. She thought she could do it all: the deadlines, the boardrooms and the crying baby. But she couldn’t do it all at once and she decided to step back and stay home. She promised herself that when her baby was older, she would step back in and dominate the way she was always meant to but by the time she was ready, the industries had shifted and people had forgotten her name.

I asked her if she’d do anything differently (because I know her child is her pride and joy) and she didn’t hesitate for a second. She said if she could do it all over again, she would make sure she thrived first. She’d first invest in her dreams and become the shining star she was supposed to be. She’d do motherhood too, but on her own terms.

She told me it was her husband who convinced her to stay home so things would be easier for the both of them. But nothing changed for him. He still went to work, still went out drinking, still went to play football with his guys. He never stopped being who he was. But she stopped being “Tumi” and became “Mum.”

I am not saying this to hate on motherhood. God knows I think it’s one of the most beautiful and powerful things a woman can do. I love my mother and my grandmother more than I can ever put into words. They’re the reason I’m here, the reason I am becoming who I want to be. One day, I want to be a mother too. I have baby names picked out, a whole Pinterest board with lots of cute photos I ]plan to recreate. I love my future babies already but I can definitely wait to meet them.

There are so many women who were at the peak of their careers, then you blink and they’re gone — and it’s not because they lost their talent or drive. It’s because we live in a world where it’s quietly expected that women will bend and put themselves last when they have children. I vow to never let that be my story.

I have thought so much about the kind of life I want to build before I have kids. I want to be so deeply rooted in myself that no matter how many people need me, I never forget who I am. I want to be the kind of mother who shows her children what it looks like to chase your dreams no matter what. I want my future kids to see a mother who still paints, still writes and still laughs too loudly. I want them to see that a woman’s story doesn’t end when she becomes someone’s mother; it actually grows and expands.

I want my daughter, if I have one, to know she can love her family without erasing herself. I want my son, if I have one, to know how to stand beside a woman without expecting her to shrink herself for his convenience. Most of all, I want the little girl inside me, the one who still has so many dreams left, to know I didn’t abandon her to make others happy.

If you’re reading this and you’re a young woman like me, I hope you remember you’re allowed to take your time. You’re allowed to build your life first, figure yourself out, and become the version of you that makes you proud.

There’s no rush to give all of yourself away before you’ve even met all the parts of you. Love, marriage and children will surely come if and when you want them. But I really hope you don’t lose you in the process.

I hope you choose you, over and over again, until your life feels like yours. That’s the version of you your future family deserves too.